


Fault

by RiddleBlack



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Miscarriage, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2015-04-13
Packaged: 2018-03-22 15:51:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3734596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiddleBlack/pseuds/RiddleBlack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin never truly saw himself as parental material. Yes, he was often called the ‘mother hen’ of the Kingsman agents, but he didn't ever actually consider becoming a father to any child in his life. However, that was before he met Roxy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fault

**Author's Note:**

> A sad Moxlin drabble I wrote for fuckmeharryhart on Tumblr that I thought I could try posting on here. I hope you enjoy it.

It was grey and blurry and impossible to make anything out to the untrained eye.

But it was  _their’s_.

Roxy was beaming like it was nobody’s business and squeezing Merlin’s hand as he is slowly brought back out of his head, listening to the doctor ramble on about the necessary things Roxy needs to continue doing to ensure the health of the child.

The child.

 _Their_  child.

Merlin never truly saw himself as parental material. Yes, he was often called the ‘mother hen’ of the Kingsman agents, but he didn’t ever actually consider becoming a father to any child in his life. However, that was before he met Roxy.

It wasn’t as if Roxy forced or convinced him to become a father. They sat down and had several long discussions after Roxy had stated that one thing that she had wanted to be, still wanted to be, was a mother. Merlin admitted that he hadn’t really thought about being a parent, but he wasn’t opposed to they idea. So, they talked and discussed and created plans and ideas before eventually deciding to start actively trying to conceive. It took some time and it was stressful for them, but it seemed that they were finally being rewarded.

Merlin was still staring at the image as Roxy is moving to go and he vaguely registers the doctor handing him a disc before he snaps back to reality. He takes Roxy’s hand and smiles, guiding them out to one of the main rooms to H.Q. as she starts discussing what they should do for dinner that night. Merlin’s smile never left his face as he watched her absently put a hand to her still flat middle. This was definitely something he should have considered sooner.

* * *

He wished that had never considered it in the first place.

He couldn’t remember what time it was. It had to be late because it was still dark out. He remembered yelling and crying. And the smell. Oh God, the fucking smell. He was familiar with it, certainly. He had to be to survive in his occupation. But knowing why he was smelling the familiar copper smell in his own home made him want to vomit.

He remembered stumbling out of bed towards the only light visible in the house coming from the adjacent toilet. He remembered stepping in something sticky. He remembered how massive of a contrast the blood on the floor was to the stark white tiles. He remembered Roxy’s hands gripping at his shirt as she cried for an explanation and he remembered how obvious the stain was on her favorite pair of pajama bottoms. He remembered the rush to the H.Q. medical ward and he remembered calling Harry and Eggsy to haul ass down there.

He wished he could forget what they were told.

“I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing we could have done.”

“Shouldn’t have happened in the first place.”

“Conception was a fluke.”

“We  
don’t  
recommend  
trying  
again.”

He stared at the doctor as Roxy sobbed, clinging to Merlin as he held her close to his chest and ran a hand along her back. He listened to her cries; her apologies for not being strong enough, her begging to bring it back, her questioning as to why she was able to take down criminals but not keep a fetus alive. He did his best to find a balance of kissing away her tears and leting her mourn, stating that this wasn’t her fault and that things like this, no matter how fucking ridiculous and unfair, happen. He thought that they could get through this together, that he could be the strong and stable one while she mourned and that he could last out the pain.

“You’re the only one I would trust to do this with, Merlin.”

Merlin felt his whole body go stock still as Roxy slowly began to cry herself to sleep. Once her breathing evened out, he gently moved her back into the bed, shifting her so she would be comfortable when she woke up. He knew Eggsy and Harry would be there soon, so he walked down the hall towards his office without a word, knowing that if he saw them, he wouldn’t be able to help anything he said.

* * *

Roxy woke up to the sound of two familiar voices. She slowly forced her eyes open and was met with the sight of Harry and Eggsy heading towards her, both looking exhausted and worried.

“Hey, Rox,” Eggsy murmured softly, moving to sit at her bedside and putting an arm around her shoulder, “Doc told us ‘bout… what happened.” It was clear he wasn’t really sure about what he should say. Roxy swallowed and nodded stiffly, staring down at her hands, fidgeting with the blanket nervously. She glanced up to watch Harry place the largest bouquet of flowers she had ever seen on the bedside table and, if she wasn’t feeling how she was, she would have been flattered and joked about his being overindulgent for his friends. She leaned into Eggsy as her friend held her close, stating that if she wanted to talk, he’d be right here for her as long as she liked. Harry repeated the sentiment, pausing to look about the room.

“Where’s Merlin?” He inquired hesitantly. Roxy glanced about, not really moving from where her head rested on Eggsy’s shoulder.

“Don’t know…” She rasped, tone still rough from crying, “He was here before I fell asleep. He… He didn’t say much…”

Harry nodded. He and Eggsy shared a look before stating he would be back and heading down the hall. Roxy stayed at Eggsy’s side, fresh tears starting to trickle down her cheeks as Harry’s footsteps faded away.

* * *

Harry didn’t have to search for long to find his friend, though he almost wished he had taken longer, considering what he ended up finding.

He walked down the hall towards the entrance to the tube to H.Q., only to stop abruptly when he saw the familiar hunched figure of his friend at his desk. He opened his mouth to speak, only to have his words die on his lips when he realized what the man was doing.

All of the lights in the room were off except for the enormous computer screen that sat at Merlin’s work desk. Bright grey light came from the screen as the same, repetitive movements fluttered on the computer, illuminating the hollow, empty expression of Merlin’s face. Harry immediately recognized the image as an ultrasound recording, continuing to play on repeat on the computer screen. He slowly moved to stand beside Merlin, watching the man take note of him, but not make a move to look his way. Harry stood, unsure of what to do or say until Merlin finally spoke. The words that came from his friend almost left him paralyzed.

“I thought I was supposed to keep everyone alive.”

Harry stared down at his friend as he slowly turned to stare up at Harry, tears prickling at the edges of his eyes. The amount of times he had seen Merlin cry could be counted on one hand and he desperately wished he didn’t need to add an additional count.

“That’s my job, Harry. And I’ve failed.”

Harry watched as Merlin collapsed in on himself, resting his elbows on his knees as he pushed his glasses up his forehead. He pressed his palms to his eyes as he sobbed. “FUCK IT ALL, I FAILED, HARRY! I failed Roxy, I failed myself, I failed the fucking fetus, dammit!” He shouted, letting his voice echo off of the walls of the room.

Harry swallowed and instinctively wrapped his arms around his friend, mirroring what Eggsy had been doing for Roxy just minutes before. “You didn’t fail, Merlin. There was nothing you could do.”

“I fucking know that! I do! I just…” Merlin’s shouts slowly lowers to croaks as he tried to collect himself, but found that he wasn’t able to, “I just hate that this happened to her… She wanted it so much that… God, I fucking wanted it too.”

Harry sighed softly and nodded. “I know you did, Merlin. I know.”

Merlin swallowed thickly before he moved his hands away, finally allowing his tears to fall. 


End file.
